Cold Open:

(MUSIC: SINISTER MUSIC)

VILLAIN (VAGUELY SWEDISH OR GERMAN): Ahh, it is finished. Behold Inga! The plans are complete for my biggest heist ever!

(SFX: BLUEPRINTS UNROLL ACROSS TABLE)

HENCHMAN (SNIVELING, SWEDISH OR GERMAN): Oh Professor Franz Von Henckleheimer, you are the world’s greatest thief. You’ve robbed the Swiss National Bank, the Taj Mahal, the Louvre, you stole the Mona Lisa and the really good replica of the Mona Lisa they used to replace the real one you stole- 

VILLAIN: Hehehe, it’s true. All of it. 

HENCHMAN: But this is your masterpiece of malfeasance, your coup de grace of thievery.

VILLAIN: Yaaas. We’re going to rob the largest depository of gold bullion in the United States at Fort Knox because we are thieves who steal what other people want and everyone wants GOLD! Ah gold! My first, my third, my second love!

HENCHMAN: I love gold!

VILLAIN: We’ve spent months researching every detail about this notorious fortress of gold. Are there any books on Fort Knox left to read? Any interviews or lectures we have not heard yet? 

HENCHMAN: No. You’ve read, seen and heard absolutely everything there is to know about Fort Knox… Except for one kids’ podcast that has a new episode on it, (DISMISSIVE LAUGHING) but surely we don’t need to listen to that. 

VILLAIN: Kids podcast? What kids’ podcast?

HENCHMAN: It’s called Million Bazillion. Looks like there’s a whole episode on Fort Knox, but it’s probably silly. Just basic information for little kids. Not worth your time. 

VILLAIN: You fool! I don’t care if this Million Gazillion-

HENCHMAN: Million Bazillion.

VILLAIN: I don’t care if this Amelia Bedelia is the silliest show in the world! If they did an episode on Fort Knox, I need to hear it!

HENCHMAN: Ok, if you insist, I’ll play it right now… Hold on, gotta pull it up on my phone…

(MUSIC: “MILLION BAZILLION” OPENING THEME PLAYED OUT OF REALLY THIN SOUNDING PHONE SPEAKER]

VILLAIN: No, no, no! Play it out of the big speakers!

–Theme Music–

BRIDGET: Welcome to Million Bazillion. I’m Bridget!

RYAN: And I’m Ryan! And We Help Dollars Make More Sense. 

BRIDGET: Let’s hear today’s listener question! 

SADIE: Hey Million Bazillion, it’s Sadie here and my question is … why does the US have so much gold at Fort Knox, and what do they use it for? 

BRIDGET: Ooh, thank you for the question, Sadie! This is the perfect question for our final episode of the season! Here’s what I know…

[MUSIC: EXPLANATORY]

BRIDGET: Fort Knox is a military base in Kentucky where the Treasury Department has a special gold storage vault. It is considered one of the most secure, safest spots in the world. So the perfect place to store all your gold, right? But since you’re wondering WHY they have all that gold…well, the answer to that is kinda complicated. 

RYAN: Yeah, you know what would be cool? Is if we could take a tour inside Fort Knox and learn about all this in person.

BRIDGET: Yeah, that would be soooo cool! You know how much I love a good tour! And I’m already wearing my tour walking shoes and my tour walking vest!  

RYAN: Well, let’s do it then! Right after this.

(MUSIC: START “ASKING RANDOM KIDS” MARCH- BUT CUT OFF AFTER A SECOND)

VILLAIN: Pause! Pause! Press pause!

(MUSIC: STOP “ASKING RANDOM KIDS” THEME)

VILLAIN: We’re changing course! I’m tearing up my entire Fort Knox heist plan.

(SFX: PAPER RIPPING)

HENCHMAN: No! What are you doing?!? The plan was perfect! We spent months working on it!

(MUSIC SUSPENSEFUL SWELL AND CLIMAX INTO BREAK)

VILLAIN: Don’t you see? These two silly kiddie children’s podcast hosts have accidentally stumbled upon the perfect way to gain access to Fort Knox. If we piggyback on their episode and get inside Fort Knox pretending to be them, then we can walk inside, steal all the gold and walk away clean. It’s the perfect crime. 

HENCHMAN: Hmm, sounds like a wild plan, but it just might work. I’m already wearing my tour walking shoes and my tour walking vest!  

VILLAIN: Let’s do it then! Right after this.

–Asking Random Kids NOT SO Random Questions–

ANNOUNCER: And now it’s time for Asking Random Kids Not So Random Questions. Today’s question is: If you had a bar of gold, what would you do with it?

RANDOM KIDS: “If I had a bar of gold, I would immediately sell it and use that money to donate to a bunch of places, and then keep a little bit for myself.” “I would buy candies and toys and dogs and fish.” “I would go on vacation to spend it.” “I would sell it for two hundred and million bazillion infinity dollars!” “I’d actually probably get a lot of a shellfish.” “I would wait until there’s a duplicater thing that duplicates the gold bar a lot so that I’m rich.”

ANNOUNCER: That was Moya, Quinn, Emiliano, and Omi in California. Chris in Illinois, and Cecelia in Colorado. This has been Asking Random Kids Not So Random Questions.

Part 1:

(SFX: BUS RIDE AMBI)

RYAN: And we’re back! Today on Million Bazillion, we’re answering Sadie’s question: why is there so much gold at Fort Knox?

BRIDGET: And we’ve taken a long bus ride through Kentucky, about to pull up to the stop nearest Fort Knox. This is so exciting! We’re gonna take a tour of the famous fortress, poke around the gold vault, and learn everything we’ve ever wanted to know.

RYAN: And if we ask nicely, maybe they’ll let us take home some samples. (LAUGHS AT OWN JOKE)

(SFX: BUS STOPS, PFFF AIR SOUND)

BUS DRIVER: Ok, this is the stop closest to Fort Knox. 

(SFX: FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL)

(SFX: BUS PULLS OFF)

BRIDGET: Hmm, this stop doesn’t seem very close to Fort Knox at all. I wonder where the lines for the tours start. I don’t see anyone else waiting.

(SFX: FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)

GUARD (MILITARISTIC): May I help you, ma’am and sir?

BRIDGET: Um yeah, could you please point us in the direction of the Fort Knox tours?

GUARD: I’m not sure what you’ve heard, but there are no civilian tours of Fort Knox. The facility is on ultra high security lockdown 24/7 365 days a year. You will not come within a mile of Fort Knox today or any day. 

BRIDGET: What? Hmm, we probably should’ve called ahead-

GUARD: Have a nice day, ma’am and sir.

RYAN: OK, but can we just step inside it for one second to use the bathroom? That was a long bus ride.

GUARD: I said, have a nice day, ma’am and sir.

RYAN: What now, Bridget?

BRIDGET: I guess we gotta walk back to town, make some calls, regroup. Come on, let’s get hoofin’. 

(SFX: ‘“BATMAN” TV SERIES-STYLE TRANSITIONAL STING)

(SFX: DINER AMBIENCE)

(MUSIC: LOW VOLUME DIEGETIC OLD SCHOOL COUNTRY MUSIC, AS IF BEING PLAYED ON A SMALL RADIO IN RESTAURANT)

BRIDGET: OK, so change of plan, we’re at a Kentucky area Pancake Palace currently re-strategizing how we’re going to do a Fort Knox episode. I’m on hold with a Fort Knox representative right now.

(SFX: HOLD MUSIC PLAYED LIGHTLY THROUGH THE PHONE)

BRIDGET Maybe if I explain things nicely, they’ll agree to give us a quick tour today. Who knows? It doesn’t hurt to ask.

RYAN: Yeah, and if we ask nicely, maybe they’ll let us take home some samples. (LAUGHS AT OWN JOKE)

(SFX: CHAIR PULLS UP TO TABLE)

(MUSIC: MISCHIEVOUS BASS LINE)

(MUSIC: FADE DOWN HOLD MUSIC)

VILLAIN (TRYING TO ACT NICE): Oh, hello! I could not help but overhear you talking about Fort Knox!?

BRIDGET: Why yes, we are.

VILLAIN: We are extremely interested in this American landmark, Fort Knox, as well. 

HENCHMAN: Hallo, I’m Inga. My husband Franz and I are co-presidents of the number one Fort Knox enthusiast fan club of Swezenland. 

RYAN: Wow, so you’re here all the way from Switzerland?

VILLAIN: No, Swezenland.

BRIDGET: Swaziland? 

VILLAIN: No, Swezenland. It’s a very small country. Anyway, we know everything there is to know about Fort Knox. Because we love gold! Who doesn’t? (POUTING) But sadly we’ve never been inside.

BRIDGET: You know everything about Fort Knox, huh? Ok, how much gold is in there? 

VILLAIN: Easy. It’s billions of dollars worth! Or if you like the details, and I do, I do like the details, 368,354 bars!.

BRIDGET: Wow, so assuming every bar is the standard 7 inches by 3 and ⅝ by one 3 quarters inch, that’s…[SCRIBBLING] enough to fill nearly 15 and a half Olympic Sized Swimming pools! Amazing! Why it all at Fort Knox??

VILLAIN: (CRACKING UP) Because it’s one of the most secure places in the world! 

BRIDGET: Yeah, but like, whose gold is it? How did it get there?

RYAN: And why do we have all this gold in the first place? 

HENCHMAN: Okay well, you probably already know the Department of Treasury is in charge of the nation’s financial infrastructure.

RYAN: Oh sure, they make coins, and keep financial institutions and the economy running, in a bunch of different ways. 

HENCHMAN: Right right, so of course, they have gold. And way back in the 1930s, the Treasury built a bullion storage vault here at Fort Knox. During World War II, the U.S. government was worried that the Nazi forces would try to attack the American east coast and steal the gold reserves stored in the New York and Philadelphia Mint. They moved more gold to Fort Knox, and a few other American treasures, like the Declaration of Independence. And then long story short, a series of international policy decisions and other events left the US with one of the largest gold reserves in the world. And more than half of the Treasury’s gold is now kept at Fort Knox.

(BRING UP HOLD MUSIC UNDER THE LAST BIT OF HENCHMAN)

(SFX: PHONE CLICK)

FORT KNOX REP (THROUGH PHONE) (SOUTHERN): Hi, thanks for holding. Fort Knox, this is Julianne, how may I help you?

BRIDGET (WHISPERING): Oh! S cuse me, I gotta take this. (INTO PHONE) Hi, my name is Bridget. And you’re on speaker phone. My co-host Ryan-

RYAN: Hi!

BRIDGET: … and I do a money podcast for kids and we had a little request. I know you don’t normally do tours of Fort Knox. But you have no idea how thrilling it would be for our listeners if we could take them inside for one little visit. The kids who listen to Million Bazillion would love it.

FORT KNOX REP: (OVER PHONE): Wait, you host Million Bazillion!? Everyone here at Fort Knox loves that show! 

BRIDGET: Wow, really?

FORT KNOX REP: (OVER PHONE) Yes! Big fans. I got my whole team trivia group to start listening too! Now, you are correct, our facility contains way too much gold to offer regular tours. But if this is for the education of little kids, (HEMMING AND HAWING) Hmmmm, eerrr… dawwww what the heck! I guess we can make an exception! 

BRIDGET: Wow, such great news!

FORT KNOX REP: (OVER PHONE) Just stop by today, be sure to bring your IDs and credentials because I don’t actually know what either of you look like, and we’ll give you a tour of the vault.

RYAN: And maybe you’ll let us take home some samples? (LAUGHS AT OWN JOKE) 

FORT KNOX REP: (OVER PHONE) Um, no that wouldn’t be allowed (REALIZING) Ok, wait, you’re joking. Now that is funny. I’m like, LOL’ing over here. That is just my kinda humor. Kinda random stuff like that. Ryan, you are, like, so funny. That joke has me, literally, in, like, stitches.

RYAN: Thanks. It’s so nice to talk to someone who GETS it. 

BRIDGET: Ok, thanks so much! We’ll be there as soon as we can!

(SFX: PHONE HANGS UP)

BRIDGET: Can you believe it? We’re gonna get a tour of Fort Knox! Right after we eat breakfast!

(SFX: CHAIR PUSHING OUT FROM TABLE)

WAITRESS (SOUTHERN): And here are your pancakes.

(SFX: PLATES ON TABLE)

WAITRESS: I tried to get yours made in the shape of monster truck like you asked, hun, but we only do silver dollar pancakes here, on account of us being so close to Fort Knox and all.

RYAN: Ahh, that’s ok.

BRIDGET: Hey, where that nice couple disappear to? They were just here. They left without saying goodbye?

RYAN: Wow, they must’ve been in an awful hurry. Must be a weird Swazenland thing. Seems kind of rude. They’re nice folks though.  Well, we’re gonna take our time eating these normal round pancakes, then go over to Fort Knox for a special peek inside. 

BRIDGET: Ryan, make sure you chew really really well this time! 

RYAN: [MOUTH FULL] Right after this!

–MIDROLL–

Part 2:

RYAN: Ok, welcome back to Million Bazillion. Today, we’re answering the question: why is there so much gold at Fort Knox? So far we’ve learned just HOW MUCH gold is at Fort Knox…and it really is A LOT! I’m still kinda fuzzy about why the U.S. Treasury has so much of it, though. But we’re just about done with our pancake breakfast and ready to head over for a special tour of the fabled fortress. 

BRIDGET: Yeah, earlier in this very diner, we learned some cool facts from a pair of Fort Knox enthusiasts  from… Swezenland? But then they left in a hurry. I wonder where they had to go so suddenly.

RYAN: Yeah, I wonder.

(SFX: RUSTLING THROUGH BACKPACK)

BRIDGET: Hmm that’s weird. I can’t seem to find our IDs or credentials in my bag. Where did they disappear to?

(MUSIC: TRANSITIONAL BASS LINE)

(SFX: OUTDOOR AMBI)

(SFX: FOOTSTEPS APPROACH ON GRAVEL)

GUARD: Can I help you?

VILLAIN: Yes, I am Ryan. This is my co-host Bridget and we are here from the Million Bazillion show.

HENCHMAN: Yes, we help dollars make more sense. This is pun.

(SFX: PEN ON CLIPBOARD)

GUARD: Ah yes, I see you’re on the list for a guided tour today. I just need to see some ID. 

VILLAIN: Oh, of course, here you go.

GUARD: Hmm, you both look a little different than your picture. 

VILLAIN: Ah, yes, we gained some pandemic weight, and I dyed my hair from black to blonde, but that is indeed us- Bridget and Ryan. 

GUARD: Oh yeah, I see it now, come on in. 

(MUSIC: MILITARY STYLE MUSIC)

(SFX: BIG METAL DOORS OPENING)

FORT KNOX REP: Bridget, Ryan! So excited to meet you! Like I told you earlier on the phone, we just love your podcast here at Fort Knox! 

HENCHMAN (STIFF): Thank you. It is an honor to host a financial literacy podcast, aimed at children, kids ages 5 to 12. 

VILLAIN: Yes, at Million Bazillion, we believe the children are the future. 

FORT KNOX REP: Hmm, funny. You two sound very different on your podcast.

VILLAIN: Um, yes, they use… autotune to make us sound different, but these are our real voices.

FORT KNOX REP: Wow, the magic of podcasting! Anyway, wanna start the tour?

VILLAIN (STIFF): Yes, I am excited to learn about this place about which I know so little. Please elucidate us as we tour this magnificent facility.

FORT KNOX REP: Great. We’ll walk and talk. Kinda like those factory tours you always go on!

HENCHMAN / VILLAIN: [PAUSE] Oh, right right, yes. 

(SFX: LIGHT FOOTSTEPS ON METAL TO ESTABLISH TOUR)

FORT KNOX REP: Now, interesting fact, not all the Treasury’s gold is kept here at Fort Knox. Some of it’s stored at West Point and the US Mint in Denver.

HENCHMAN: Oh, so you could say- the U.S. doesn’t keep all its gold in one basket?

FORT KNOX REP: Exactly! But I’d say we have a whole lot of the country’s gold right here in Fort Knox. And not just gold, throughout history, Fort Knox has held other valuable things, like original copies of the Constitution of the United States and US Declaration of Independence. 

HENCHMAN (STIFF): Wow, so interesting to be hearing all this information for the first time. 

FORT KNOX REP: Oh, I wanted to ask you, how is Mr. Skimbleshanks?

VILLAIN: Skinny Milkshakes? What is these Skinny Milkshakes? 

FORT KNOX REP: What? [SLIGHTLY THROWN] I’m asking about your cat. You talk about him all the time.

VILLAIN: Ahh, yes. My cat is good. (BEAT) Is it true you have about 368,354 bars of gold in the vault?

FORT KNOX REP: (A LITTLE SUSPICIOUS) Oh, yeah. 

HENCHMAN: (RUNNING OUT OF PATIENCE) This is so fascinating. How do you open the vault?

FORT KNOX REP: Well, the plans to the vault – or bullion depository- are known only by a very few people. There are so many layers into the vault, I don’t even know them all. In fact, no one person knows all the procedures for opening the vault. We gotta work together as a team to get the dang thing open.

HENCHMAN: Hmm, how often does that happen?

(SFX: DATE BOOK PAGES FLIPPING) 

FORT KNOX REP: Hmm, lemme check here. Looks like we’re scheduled for our next audit… this afternoon. 

VILLAIN: You know what would be really helpful and informative to all our podcast listeners is for us to witness the opening of the vault and counting of the gold firsthand. May we stay and watch the whole process?

FORT KNOX REP: Now. Wait a minute. I’m not sure what y’all are up to… (BEAT) But I think that’s a great idea! Anything for the kids!

(MUSIC: MAYBE SOME TRANSITIONAL MUSIC HERE)

(SFX: OUTSIDE AMBI, FOOTSTEPS APPROACH ON GRAVEL)

GUARD: Welcome to Fort Knox. May I help you?

BRIDGET: Hi, hello! Hey, it’s again. We’re Bridget and Ryan from Million Bazillion. We have an appointment this time to take a tour and look at the gold.

RYAN: Yeah, and if we ask nice, maybe you’ll let take home some samples. (LAUGHS AT HIS OWN JOKE)

GUARD: Bridget and Ryan? They already entered. 

RYAN: What? No. Bridget and Ryan. We’re here from Million Bazillion. The kids’ podcast.

GUARD: Yeah. Bridget and Ryan with the thick Swezenland accents? I let them in an hour ago.

RYAN: But we’re Bridget and Ryan.

GUARD: Alright, let’s see some ID then.

BRIDGET: We lost our IDs- ohhhh, Ryan, I think I know what’s happening here! That seemingly nice couple from back at the diner stole our IDs and used them to enter Fort Knox. They were probably planning to rob the place from the second they met us! (TO GUARD) Sir, you gotta believe us, we’re the real Bridget and Ryan.

GUARD: Sorry, I can’t let you in without credentials. 

BRIDGET: Can you at least send out a warning, that the people pretending to be Bridget and Ryan inside are lying and probably up to no good?

GUARD: Sorry, this issue is above my paygrade, ma’am. I recommend you call the main office. 

RYAN: Forget it, Bridget. This cop isn’t gonna let us in.

GUARD: I’ll have you know I’m no regular “cop” in the common parlance. I am an officer with the United States Mint Police.

RYAN: Ok, great, I’ll call you next time it’s after dinner. How are we gonna get in and stop those thieves from robbing the U.S. Treasury blind? 

BRIDGET: Let’s snoop around, there’s gotta be another way in!

(MUSIC: BASS LINE TRANSITION)

(SFX: MORE CROWDED GROUP INSIDE HOLLOW SOUNDING METAL SPACE- LIKE 5 – 7 PEOPLE MILLING AROUND A VAULT)

FORT KNOX REP: Sorry this is taking so long, we gotta gather a couple folks around for the vault-opening procedure. 

VILLAIN: It’s no problem, really. So once we are inside the vault, is it ok if we pick up some of the gold, just to y’know, like, take funny selfies with it?

HENCHMAN: Yeah, and maybe put some or all of it in our very large backpacks- just as like a funny video for the gram?

FORT KNOX REP: Oh yeah, that’d be real cute. I just love all the crazy schemes you do on Million Bazillion. Remember when y’all bought that goat at auction?… What was that goat’s name?

VILLAIN: (TISKS)  You know, that was so long ago. I don’t remember off the top of my head…. 

HENCHMAN: (TISKS) It’s on the tip of my tongue… 

VAULT GUARD: Ok, looks like everyone’s here, so let’s commence the highly secretive vault-opening procedure.

FORT KNOX REP: Oh, never mind about the goat. We’re about to open the vault, you’re gonna want to see this!

(SFX: MANEUVERING THROUGH ECHOEY METAL PASSAGE)

BRIDGET: Ok, I think if we can shimmy through this drainage pipe, we might be able to sneak into Fort Knox through the plumbing system. 

RYAN: This is the worst episode we’ve ever done. I’m quitting after this. We’re crawling through a dark, claustrophobic, stinky pipe to try to save the government from getting robbed of gold…and I don’t even know why it has all this gold any way.

BRIDGET: Well, the U.S. Treasury has to hang on the gold at Fort Knox by law. It’s considered an asset…something valuable that could be useful one day. So, what I mean is basically, the government wants to keep the  gold because it is WORTH something. There are always people willing to buy gold, especially when economic times get tough. So why not keep it?  Like former Non-Jay-Powell- Fed Chair Alan Greenspan once said, it’s sorta there “just in case we need it.” It’s the ultimate back up plan. 

RYAN: So you’re basically saying the reason we hang onto so much gold now is just…in case we need it? 

BRIDGET: Yeah, that’s a big part of it. 

RYAN: In case of what? Are we gonna go back to paying for everything in gold again?

BRIDGET: No.

RYAN: So why are we saving it?

BRIDGET: Just in case.

RYAN: Ok, in case of what?

BRIDGET: Nothing specific! You just never know!

RYAN: So why are we saving it? Are we going back to the gold standard?

BRIDGET: No, just in case! Look, the gold standard is, like, a whole other topic-

(SFX: MUFFLED, ECHOEY VOICES FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF METAL)

RYAN: Wait, sshhh, stop blabbing about gold for one second! You hear those voices?

BRIDGET: Yeah, sounds like a group of people, right on the other side of this wall. Maybe if we can kick the wall, we can get their attention. 

RYAN: I wonder what they’re saying in there.

(SFX: NOW ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PIPE, JUST A REGULAR ROOM WITH MINOR METALLIC ECHO)

(SFX: GUARDS LAUGHING AND ENJOYING THEMSELVES)

FORT KNOX REP: (LAUGHING) I think this is the most fun we’ve ever had inside the gold vault.

VILLAIN: (LAUGHING) Ok, ok, ok, I have another idea for a fun Million Bazillion thing we can do! Let’s play a special Million Bazillion version of hide and seek!

GROUP: (EXCITED) Yeah!/Let’s do it!/Awesoooomme!

VILLAIN: Ok everyone, close your eyes, no peeking, Bridget’s going to count to ten. Ready?

HENCHMAN: (SLOWLY) One… two… three…

(SFX: GOLD BARS BEING MANEUVERED, FALLING INTO A HEAVY BAG)

HENCHMAN: Four… four and a half… Five… Five point five…. Six

HENCHMAN: Six and one quarter….

VILLAIN: (WHISPERS) Keep counting slowly, I have to load up the rest of the gold.

(SFX: ECHOEY THUMPING SOUND THROUGH THE WALL)
(SFX: COUNTING VOICE FROM VAULT, ECHOEY)

BRIDGET: Keep kicking! I think we just might bust through the wall!

RYAN: Ow, my foot!

BRIDGET: You’re fine, just keep kicking!

(SFX: BACK IN THE VAULT, THUMPING SOUND ECHOING)
(SFX: FINAL GOLD BARS LOADED INTO BAGS)

HENCHMAN: Nine point nine nine nine nine… and…. (WHISPERS) Okay, let’s go.

(SFX: FOOTSTEPS RUNNING AWAY)

FORT KNOX REP: Hey now, when are you gonna say ten?

(SFX: PIPE BURSTING INTO THE ROOM)
(SFX: EVERYONE YELLS IN SURPRISE)

RYAN: We’re in! Wow, that was weirdly easy.

BRIDGET: Hey everybody! Sorry to burst into your vault like this! But you’ve been talking to a fake Bridget and Ryan! We’re the real Bridget and Ryan!

FORT KNOX REP: Oh no! The gold! They stole all the gold while we had our eyes shut! Quick chase after them!

RYAN: Uh oh! Looks like we’re moving into a big climactic chase after the gold robbers! We’ll be right back after this with the exciting conclusion of Million Bazillion!

-mini-seg-

PERRY: Hi, I’m Perry and I’m in Indiana. I’ve got a money joke for you. Why did the dollar need a nap? Give up? Because it felt a little spent. If you have a money joke, you’d like to share, go to our website, Marketplace.org/million. Bye!

Part 3:

(SFX: SQUAD CAR INTERIOR MID-CHASE, POLICE SIRENS WAILING)
(SFX: TIRES SCREECHING)

BRIDGET: Welcome back to Million Bazillion! We’re riding along with officers of the United States Mint Police (SFX HORNS HONKING) in hot pursuit of two thieves who just stole all the gold out of Fort Knox with an ingenious hide-and-seek heist!

FORT KNOX REP: Argh, I really shouldn’t have fallen for this whole thing. I feel so dumb.

RYAN: It’s ok, don’t beat yourself up about it. Whew, I’m getting a little carsick during this high speed pursuit. Bridget, might as well do the recap now, what did we learn in this episode?!

BRIDGET: [FRAZZLED, SLIDING AROUND CAR] We learned that Fort Knox is home to the majority of our nation’s gold supply! We’re talking billions of dollars worth of gold, swimming pools worth of gold, all highly protected in a super secure vault. In fact, our ability to enter it is really no reflection on the security of said vault!

RYAN: [EQUALLY HIGH ADRENALINE] Yeah, come to think of it, we got into the vault just by kicking? Seems like a plot hole. Annnnyway, the U.S. plans to hang onto what gold it has because it’s still worth a lot in this world and it’s a great rainy day fund! That is, unless these thieves get away with stealing it, in which case, the country won’t have anymore gold.

FORT KNOX REP: Real Bridget and Ryan, hold on, I’m gonna try to cut these thieves off at the pass.

(MUSIC: CLIMACTIC ACTION)
(SFX: CARS SCREECHING TO A HALT)

FORT KNOX REP: Everybody ok?

RYAN: Yeah.

BRIDGET: I think so?

(SFX: CAR DOOR OPENS)
(SFX: SIRENS WHOOP)

FORT KNOX REP: Freeze, fake Bridget and Ryan! You’re surrounded!

VILLAIN: Ahhhhh! We were so close to getting away with it! My plan was so perfect.

HENCHMAN: Eh, in retrospect, you might say your plan was super chaotic and dependent on a lot of coincidences and we were ultimately foiled by two podcast hosts so oblivious to the fact a heist was happening, they didn’t realize it until almost the very end of the episode.

VILLAIN: Ok, but nevertheless-

(MUSIC: INSPIRING)

FORT KNOX REP: Bridget, Ryan. Thanks for your help. If it hadn’t been for you, Fort Knox would’ve been robbed of all its gold. Here, have a complimentary GOLD gift certificate to the local town diner. They do a mean silver dollar pancake!

BRIDGET: [TRYING TO BE COOL] Oh, wow, thank you. Cool cool cool. I guess I kinda thought you’d be giving out like, little gold medals or something…

RYAN: Either way it looks like this podcast episode… was worth its weight… in gold.

(MUSIC: START THEME MUSIC AND CUT IT OFF AFTER A SECOND)

RYAN: Wait, wait, wait! I got a better one!

BRIDGET: Ryan! Just let the episode end.

RYAN: But we need to end the show on a funnier quip and I thought of a better one! So, uh, hey, you’re a thief out there thinking you can rob Fort Knox, just remember… they don’t let you take home samples. (LAUGHS AT OWN JOKE)

HENCHMAN: Can we go to jail now please?

–Theme Music-

Credits

BRIDGET: Alright, that’s it for this episode of Million Bazillion! Thanks for listening! Make sure to check out the tip sheet linked in the show notes if you want to learn more about gold and Fort Knox!

RYAN: This was our last episode of the season! But we’re still taking your questions for future seasons, in fact, this kind of a great time to get your questions in! Send them to us at our website, marketplace.org/million!

BRIDGET: Yep, and if you’re worried about what you’re going to do without us until our next season starts, consider signing up at our website for Million Bazillion Academy, so you can get weekly lessons to help you get smart about money!

RYAN: Million Bazillion is brought to you by Marketplace, from American Public Media. This episode was written and hosted by me, Ryan Perez, and Bridget Bodnar. With additional voicing from Jay Siebold, Sabri Ben-Achour, Courtney Bergsieker, Francesca Levy, and Daniel Shin

BRIGET: Jasmine Romero is our editor. Courtney Bergsieker is our producer. Marissa Cabrera is our senior producer. Thalia Menchaca is our intern. This episode was sound designed by Bekah Wineman with help from Chris Julin. Bekah Wineman also mixed this episode. 

RYAN: Our theme music was created by Wonderly. Bridget Bodnar is the Director of Podcasts at Marketplace. Francesca Levy is the Executive Director of Digital. Neal Scarbrough is the VP and General Manager.

BRIDGET: Million Bazillion is funded in part by the Sy Syms Foundation, partnering with organizations and people working for a better and more just future since 1985. And special thanks to The Ranzetta Family Charitable Fund and Next Gen Personal Finance for providing the start-up funding for this podcast, and continuing to support Marketplace in our work to make younger audiences smarter about the economy.

RYAN: If Million Bazillion is helping your family have important conversations about money, consider making a one-time donation today at marketplace.org/givemillion, and thanks for your support.

BRIDGET: Thank you!

RYAN: Bye!